Caught Between Divine Healing and a Lie

I debated whether or not to share this all over the web.  But, I really feel this is something that needs to be shouted from the rooftops.  This is a rather lengthy post, so please bear with me and ignore any glaring grammatical errors.

Let me start here by giving you some background - I have a spiritual pedigree about two miles long. Born into a family of pastors, church planters, evangelists, Christian musicians, and missionaries that date back to the early foundations of the state of Mississippi and raised in the Bible-belt, I seemed to have a lot of pressure on my life to be "all that and a bag of chips" when it comes to spiritual things.  So for me to share something that was such a personal struggle and hidden from everyone is very difficult for me.  I'm hoping it will encourage others to keep pressing on.

You know that moment when a truth is revealed and you don't know whether to cry, shout, scream or faint?  Yeah....I had that moment on Wednesday, January 13th.

For years, I had believed a lie.  I had swallowed this jagged little pill handed to me from the time I was a small child.  This lie gave me excruciating pain throughout my life progressively getting worse as I got older. You see, I was born with Spina Bifida Myelomeningocele meaning the end of my spinal column was open to the outside with fluid leakage.  Keep in mind this was the mid-70s. Apparently, the doctors missed the hole in my back when sending me home with my mom.  She was the one who discovered it at the first diaper change.  She immediately went into prayer and saw the miraculous take place.  The hole in my back closed instantly.  No more leakage, no more gross looking opening.

All my life I have been plagued with back issues.  Every time my back would ache or it would hurt for me to walk, my mom would tell me it was because of my birth defect.  And this is where the lie began without me even knowing it.  No fault of my mom.  She is a God-fearing, faith filled woman.  She just didn't understand the power of her words.

The pain in my back grew worse as time went on.  I would have falling spells where it felt as if I lost all feeling in my legs and I would collapse. Again, the "it's because of ..." would come up.  This went on and on.  I had difficulty standing for long periods of time, walking long distances, and sitting for extended periods of time.  The lie grew stronger.

In 2004, I sought medical treatment for a pinched nerve in my neck that was causing migraines.  When the doctor showed me the x-rays of my back, I knew that I was in trouble.  I was missing discs up and down my spine, there was degeneration of the vertebrae, and my spine looked as if someone had twisted it.  The bones looked weak and fragile. He told me that eventually I would lose the ability to walk.  So, the lie became a dark reality.   I never told anyone what the doctor said.  I didn't want to be seen as anything less than a faith-filled Christian.  I knew my mom would always tell me the story about being healed as an infant.  And yet, here I was looking at this horrible future of being wheelchair bound.  I was caught between divine healing and a lie that had become so real it was frightening.  I did my best to believe I was healed, but it never materialized.  I have seen many miracles in my lifetime, but I had not received the one that I so desperately needed.  I had prayed for others to be healed and watched as their healing manifested all the while feeling like a hypocrite because I didn't have my healing.  And the lie dug deeper and took root.  I believed the Word of God to be true, but somehow I just couldn't grab hold of it for my own personal miracle.  I couldn't seem to make it work for me.  I would quote the Word when I prayed, but nothing happened.  I struggled to believe.  I knew that God would heal me in His own time. I knew that when He did, He would get the glory.  I kept on saying, "one day, I will get my healing".

Over the years, my condition seemed to grow worse and worse.  I could feel grinding and grating in my back as I moved.  Every day that I could walk, I would praise God  There were days that I couldn't walk without excruciating pain. But I got up and moved anyway.  There were times that all I could do is lay in bed and cry because of the pain.  There were days that I would take pain killers and muscle relaxers just so I could get through the day.  The lie was branching out more and more as I struggled. And yet, I praised Him. Through the pain, through all the difficulty, I praised Him.

Then kids came along.  The doctors were amazed that I was able to bear the load of carrying babies with my back in the shape it was in. Because of my spinal condition, I had to have C-Sections.  No biggie. Yes, I felt like a failure as a mother for a bit anyway before I had to snap back to reality and take care of the babies. With the first child the epidural took. With the second one, not so much.  The anesthesiologist ripped the sack that holds my spinal fluid and  I had to have a procedure done called a "blood patch" to seal the hole.  PAINFUL!  But it was better than passing out every time I stood up.
Now, I had to get up and move no matter what.  I would push through it to take care of the little ones.

And my back worsened. My back issues became my crutch to blame for what I couldn't do.  I can't go there because of my back. I can't do that because of my back.  I would use that as my excuse to not be involved and not participate.  I had been prayed for numerous times. The lie became such a stronghold it was defeating my faith.  There were times I would stand in prayer lines to be prayed for and I would get passed over by the people doing the praying. I figured it wasn't my time to be healed yet or that God had decided not to heal me which was nothing more lies sprouting up.

The last time I received prayer for my back was during a home group meeting.  My back popped.  Part of me wanted to believe while the other part was saying that it was just a routine pop and nothing more.  I left it at that. I so desperately wanted to believe that I was healed.  The pain, grinding and grating continued.

Right before Thanksgiving of last year, I took a nice little tumble in the Kroger parking lot.  At the urging of the guy from Fire and Rescue that happened to see me fall and ran to my aid, I went to the ER.  I had deeply bruised my right knee and hip.  So I went home on some really great pain killers.  One week to the day of my fall, I bent over to pick up a toy and was stuck.  I couldn't come back up.  I had to walk my hands up the wall to straighten myself out.  I cried all the way back to the living room.  I looked rather mechanical in my movements.  I figured I had done damage to my back when I fell. My husband urged and begged me to go see a doctor about my back.  He found huge knots in my back as would massage my back. He would rub and massage my back while praying over my almost every night all the while begging me to go to the doctor.  I was bed-ridden for a few days and had to take everything slow.  I even gave up something that I really enjoyed, going to the gym every day.

At the beginning of this year, I prayed and asked God to reveal the areas in my life that I have been believing a lie.  I had no idea the repercussions of praying such a prayer.  It's like praying for patience and then face palm with a "DOH!" when you all the sudden have a load of tribulation.

I finally gave in to my husband's urgings and made an appointment to see a specialist.  My appointment was set for Monday, January 11th.  They x-rayed, scanned, poked and prodded my back.  The doctor sounded encouraging as she said that the initial look at the x-rays didn't show any degeneration.  Huh?  No degeneration?  Odd.  I had a follow-up appointment on Wednesday, January 13th.  She sat me down and put the x-rays up for me to see.  I had to ask her if she had the right x-rays.  She said there was no trace of the Spina Bifida at all.  All my discs were intact and healthy.  No bulged discs, no slipped discs, no missing discs. My spinal column looked strong and in near perfect alignment.  Creative miracle!  God restored my spine!  This is no other way to put than God rebuilt my spine.  I didn't know whether to faint, shout, cry, run around the building or what.  I sat there in awe, completely dumbfounded.  Speechless.

The Word says in Mark 11:24, "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."  This is hard to do when the symptoms haven't left.  When everything is telling you that you haven't received, how then are we to proceed?  It's hard to have faith when there is such a stronghold of doubt and unbelief.  Matthew 7:7-8 has the answer, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."  We have to fight for our faith.  Jude 1:3 tells us to "earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints". How do we contend for the faith?  Through prayer.  I never stopped praying or asking for prayer for my back.  I never stopped believing that one day, I would have my healing.  I had nothing else to go on.  The doctors said I would lose the ability to walk. I had all this negative information bombarding me telling me that there was no hope.  But even with the tiniest shred of hope, faith can grow.  I had a sliver of hope to believe that one day I would be healed.  I held on to that hope no matter how fleeting it seemed.

Some might ask, why do some receive such miraculous healing and some don't.  I have no clue.  I don't have all the answers.  All I can do is encourage you to hold on to hope with all you have.

Does my back still hurt? Yes, but now I don't let it define me or define what I can and can't do.  Am I undergoing therapy on my back? Yes. Why? To strengthen my back muscles and improve my posture.  I plan on being as strong as I can be.  That all starts with a strong foundation.  Our spines are the foundations of our bodies.  If our spines are jacked up, then we are jacked up.  It leads to all sorts of problems in different areas of our bodies.  The same is with our spiritual walk.  If our foundation is built on faith and hope through Christ Jesus, then our life will be strong through the storms.  If we build on a foundation of fractured faith mixed with lies and doubt, then our spiritual walk will be a faulty one plagued with all sorts of issues.

So be strong and stedfast in what you believe.  Let go of fear and spit out the lies the enemy has fed you.  If the Word says you can have it, then confess it, believe it, stand on it, and fight for it.

What Is Love?

2-9-12

Ah...February.....National Heart Month, National Marriage Month, National Empty Your Pockets On Trinkets & Chocolate Month.

Where did January go?  Here we are almost Mid-February and staring down the barrels of Valentine's Day.  This is the month we celebrate our love for each other, shower each other with romantic cards and gifts.  But what is love?  Is it a chemical mix that happens in our brains causing an euphoric feeling or is it something else.  Love is an action verb not a complacent noun or an elated feeling.  Love is putting the thoughts, will, feelings, well being and best interests of another person or persons over your own thoughts, will, feelings, well being, and interests.  Love is a sacrifice.  It will cost you something and sometimes everything.

Today, love is thrown around lightly as if it is some magical thing to be cast upon someone to make that person do what we want him or her to do for us.  We love them as long as they give us what we want.  We love in word only and not in deed.  Is this love? I think not.

Even in the Church, the Body of Christ, we say "I love you" to people then talk about them when their backs are turned.  This is NOT the love we are supposed to have one for another.  We turn our backs on those who have wronged us instead of loving them.  We criticize those who do not do things according to our purposes, desires, and needs.  If we are not catered to, we pout and stomp our feet like children.  If we feel slighted by one of the people we claim we love, we don't speak to that person for months until they come to us and ask what's wrong.  Is this love?  I think not.

In the work place, our bosses may tell us "We love you and think the world of you" but plot to fire us at the first sign of any conceived insurrection without the possibility of defending ourselves.  They applaud us in front of some only to back stab us in front of others.  Is this love?  I think not.

Jesus spoke relentlessly about love. Mark 12:30-31 tells us, "And you shall love the Lord your God out of and with your whole heart and out of and with all your soul (your life) and out of and with all your mind (with [d]your faculty of thought and your moral understanding) and out of and with all your strength. This is the first and principal commandment. The second is like it and is this, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these." If we truly love God, then we should truly love those around us.

1 John 4:20 tells us that if our love for God is reflected in our love for others, "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?" 1 John 2:15 says, "Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him."

John 13:34 says, "I give you a new commandment: that you should love one another. Just as I have loved you, so you too should love one another." John 15:12-13 says, "This is My commandment: that you love one another [just] as I have loved you. No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends."

So what is love?  1 Corinthians 13:3-8 tells is, "Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.  It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy ([d]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth]."

1 Peter 4:8 tells us, "Above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins [forgives and [a]disregards the offenses of others]".  In other words, we don't go around pointing out the past or present sins of others.  We love them in spite of who they are.  We look past what was there and is there to see what could be there.  Love looks to the future of a person, not their past.

When another points out the failings of a person, the love in us should cover that person and the one bringing the accusation. Love sees the sinner who is in need of a Savior not the sin. So often, we hate the sinner and wink at the sin.  Galatians 6:1 gives us this admonition, "Brethren, if any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and restore and reinstate him, without any sense of superiority and with all gentleness, keeping an attentive eye on yourself, lest you should be tempted also."  This is love in action.

The next time, you tell someone you love them, mean what you say and live what you say.

Most scriptures taken from the Amplified Version.  Some taken from the King James Version.

What Dreams Do Come

Most of my dreams I ignore...they tend to be bad pizza or some strange concoction of late night television.  The dream I had this morning before waking has stirred in me in such a way I can't let it go.  Over the past several months, I have been indulging in a study of the Hebrew names of God.  My personal growth has expounded, and I believe this is where this dream stems.

Let me set the stage for you:  I am waiting with several others to go somewhere.  We are all in what appears to be an airport/mall type place.  We are all talking about various things and walking around looking in the shops while we wait for our turn to go on our journey.  Our turn comes.....

A group of us are escorted to a beautiful room where we change into white robes with gold and crimson sashes.  Jesus appears there to us.  He seems to stay at my side the entire time.  I cling to Him, just holding on to Him. He give me a purple sash to go with the ones I already have.  I just keep holding to Him.  Then He tells me He has to step away for a moment but will be back shortly.  After He leaves, the odd little distractions start happening.  A place opens up like a puppet show behind where I am standing.  These really weird puppets start dancing around and trying to convince people to leave the area and go with them.  Some do....but I look around and I see Jesus standing off to the side.  He just smiles at me.  He disappears and the reappears on another side of the room.  And again, He is smiling at me. It seems no one else can see Him but me.

Then the puppets shriek and disappear and Jesus comes full into view stepping out from behind a rich burgundy velvet curtain.  He comes to me with a bowl and a pitcher.  He stoops down where I am sitting and takes off my shoes and begins to wash my feet.  I keep telling Him that I am unworthy for Him to do that and then I say with tears streaming something to the effect for Him to wash my head and hands too.  He just chuckles and stands up, kisses my forehead and say, "So much like Peter....Time to go."  And that's when I woke up.  This dream has left me broken in so many ways.  The Master of all the Universe was showing Himself, as always, a Servant of all - an example to be followed.

But the thing that has captured my attention more than anything is this, I don't remember hearing His heartbeat.  As much as I was holding Him and close to Him, I never once heard the beat of His heart. Then this thought came to me, His heartbeat is the Church, the Body of Christ.  As long as the Body of Christ is on the earth, we can hear His heartbeat.  It is up to us to show the world the real Jesus.  We are to reveal the heartbeat of the Father to the world -- people. God love all of us so much that He was willing to send His only Son to the earth to be the perfect sacrifice for the remission of sins.  How much more can someone love?  Jesus, for the love of mankind, gave up His throne in glory to dwell among us, to serve us, to teach us.  He loved us so much.

We can't even begin to comprehend how much He loves us.  I just wish I could convey to you the amazing love He has towards us.  I wish I had the words to describe accurately the feeling I had from this dream.  All I can do is tell you what I saw and hope it blesses you.

Week of 1/3/2012 Featured Shop

This week I am featuring Spirit Scroller

Meet Danny Knox, creator of Spirit Scroller

I discovered the scroll saw when I was about 27 years old. I played with it a bit here and there, but it wasn't until my 40's that I really started to get into it. it was also about that time that I was introduced to Jesus Christ and entered into a relationship with Him. I believe that God has given me a woodworking gift and I have an overwhelming desire to share the creations that come out of that relationship.

Thank you so much for supporting what I consider to be a ministry. I pray that these items will bless you and those you come in contact with. I hope to hear from you real soon.

When was the last time you raked your yard?

Today, I was feeling rather ambitious and decided to rake the back yard.  Mind you by back yard is more of a hard incline than a yard so it hasn't been raked much. As far as I know, it never has been in the 5 years we have lived here.  Sad, I know.  Would you want to rake a uphill?

As I began raking, I could smell the decay of rotting pine straw.  Underneath all the pine straw, fallen branches, and twigs was the darkest soil - rich and fertile.  Also as I raked, I noticed the roughness and dangerousness of the terrain.  My kids have been playing on this mountainous like rise without fear.  They could have been hurt by something hiding under the compost of straw, leaves, pine cones, and branches.

It makes me wonder what is hiding under the leaves and straw of our lives.  Is there something dangerous hiding that could cause hurt and pain to another?  Is there something undealt with in our lives that could be a potential danger to our loved ones and those we minister to?

My raking the yard showed me that underneath the surface of our lives, we have treacherous terrain.  As we navigate through life, things of this world pile up on us. People wound us and we move on thinking we are okay, but we have just buried the problem without dealing with it.  The wounds cause our hearts to become rough and buckled.  We react to others in a snappy, rude, judgmental, critical attitude.  Things may look harmless when covered by layers upon layers of trash and spiritual masks.  Deep down there are wounds and scars that we have not allowed God to heal. We pitch fits to get our way and bully others into submitting to our desires.  We point fingers at where they are missing the mark, but never seeing where we ourselves have gotten off track.

How after, we criticize others for their reactions or their lives don't measure up to our standards.  The Word should be the standard for their lives and our own. It is not our place to say one person is not able to be used of the Lord because we don't agree with their walk.  We are to work out our OWN salvation with fear and trembling (see Philippians 2:12).  We as Christians should take a good look at our own lives and hearts.  It's easy to sit back on the pew Sunday after Sunday, Wednesday after Wednesday and see the faults in others without first removing the debris from our own lives.  The Bible says in Matthew 7:3, "Why do you stare from without at the very small particle that is in your brother's eye but do not become aware of and consider the beam of timber that is in your own eye?" (AMP)

Hear the words of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7,

"Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting."

The Amplified states verse 5 like this: 

"It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]."

Did you catch that?  Love is "not self-seeking".  When we criticize another based on our own standards, we are being self-seeking.  If we are truly walking in love, then we will see through the eyes of love and see the second thing I saw in my yard.

The second thing I found while raking was rich soil underneath the pine straw. The rich soil of our lives in contrast to the terrain is the Word we have allowed to soak deep within us.  That good part of our lives that is so hidden by outward displays.  The outward is all most people ever see.  It's easy to find fault when all you see is life's debris on a person. After all is swept away, we can really see what a person really is.  There is an inward work going on in each and every one of us.  We must be willing to be raked over by the Holy Ghost so that those things that should not be in our lives to be removed.  There is fertile ground in each of us.  What we plant there is up to us.  Plant good things in each other and you will reap the good in yourself.  Philippians 2:3 states, " Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves". (KJV) 

All of this from raking my back yard.  God works in mysterious ways.  This one thing I take away from my outside activity, we will only be able to help others when we first rake our own yard.

A Lesson In Faith As Taught By A Four Year Old

I have always tried my best to teach my children, even though they are still very young, the power of faith in God and prayer.  I never really know how much it sinks in after all they are 2 years old and 4 years old. My oldest, James, is very literal when it comes to what you tell him as well as very flamboyant.  This little jewel has all the makings of a powerful man of God.  There have been many times he has told me something that God told him.  It blows my mind that most adults can't even hear God and a four year old can already distinguish His voice.

On Sunday, my oldest had just entered the children's church room at our church and politely told his teacher that the devil was in the room and they needed to pray so he would leave.  Well, of course, the teacher did just as James asked.  His teacher told me that they had the best time in children's church after they all had prayed. But the story doesn't end there...

Tuesday, I woke up with a headache on the verge of being a migraine.  Every little noise was piercing to my head.  Well, James decides to start bouncing on the bed telling me to get up because it was "morning time".  I had to ask him to stop because it was really starting to make me nauseous. His little response was, "You no feel good?"  I told him my head was hurting and asked him to pray.  This was where it gets so sweet.  He comes over and put his hands on my belly and starting praying this little prayer, "God is our Healer. Jesus will heal you by 10 o'clock this morning.  Amen."

He then runs off to play.  I dragged myself out of bed and told my husband what James had said.  He was just as amazed as I was that this little child had faith enough in God to believe for a healing and even went as far as to be bold enough to put a time on it.  By 10 o'clock, I was completely pain and symptom FREE!

My child knew more about the power of faith that I could have ever imagined.  Somehow, all of those lessons and praying over him had sunk deep within his little spirit.  He embodied Hebrews 11:1 which states, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". (KJV) He knows enough about God to know that he can have the things he prays for.  If we all could have such faith.  His substance of things hoped for was my healing, the evidence is what he had heard me teach him about God and Jesus.  Proverbs 22:6 states, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (KJV)

Hebrews 11:6 says, "But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him."(KJV)

Hear the words of Jesus as stated in Mark 10:15, "Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive and accept and welcome the kingdom of God like a little child [does] positively shall not enter it at all." (AMP)

If only we would become as little children and believe God at His word, how much better would this world be.

Week of 11/14/11 Featured Shop

This week I am featuring Proclaim His Name from Etsy.

Meet James Michael Shirden, Owner/Artist of Proclaim His Name:

I live in Erlanger Kentucky, and work with my brothers and my dad in a small family business. Many years prior I served in the Air Force for eight years, calling both Germany and England home for a time.

I began painting about five years ago, after my children, Jamie and Cory, no longer needed me for entertainment. I currently live a simple life with my two Boston Terriers, Ethel and Alice, and when I'm not working, I'm painting. I keep the Sabbath and the Feast Days of Yah, and adhere to the Torah. Needless to say, I'm quite an oddity around here.

I was raised in a Christian family, and I raised a Christian family, but I never really thought too much about my faith. I just took it for granted. About three years ago, I began to realize that I was missing so much and felt compelled to search the scriptures, to learn all I could about our Creator, about our Redeemer, and to find out, from the source, how I am to live my life. My journey is just beginning, and my relationship with Him grows everyday.

My desire is to share His name with others, to "Proclaim His Name." I have no idea how many people know the name of our Creator and the name of His son, but I fear it is relatively few. I didn't for most of my life. I want to change that. If just one of my paintings prompts someone to learn more, to dig deeper, if a question pops into their mind that they are compelled to answer, then I will have succeeded.  Original Artwork to "Proclaim His Name" in your home. Many paintings have a simple theme...our Creator's name, or the name of our Messiah. Other paintings take an article, such as the Menorah, or an idea or message from scripture, and make a visual statement. My desire is to create art that inspires the viewer to think beyond what is on the canvas.  100% of the price you pay for your painting will be donated to amazima.org.