Caught Between Divine Healing and a Lie

I debated whether or not to share this all over the web.  But, I really feel this is something that needs to be shouted from the rooftops.  This is a rather lengthy post, so please bear with me and ignore any glaring grammatical errors.

Let me start here by giving you some background - I have a spiritual pedigree about two miles long. Born into a family of pastors, church planters, evangelists, Christian musicians, and missionaries that date back to the early foundations of the state of Mississippi and raised in the Bible-belt, I seemed to have a lot of pressure on my life to be "all that and a bag of chips" when it comes to spiritual things.  So for me to share something that was such a personal struggle and hidden from everyone is very difficult for me.  I'm hoping it will encourage others to keep pressing on.

You know that moment when a truth is revealed and you don't know whether to cry, shout, scream or faint?  Yeah....I had that moment on Wednesday, January 13th.

For years, I had believed a lie.  I had swallowed this jagged little pill handed to me from the time I was a small child.  This lie gave me excruciating pain throughout my life progressively getting worse as I got older. You see, I was born with Spina Bifida Myelomeningocele meaning the end of my spinal column was open to the outside with fluid leakage.  Keep in mind this was the mid-70s. Apparently, the doctors missed the hole in my back when sending me home with my mom.  She was the one who discovered it at the first diaper change.  She immediately went into prayer and saw the miraculous take place.  The hole in my back closed instantly.  No more leakage, no more gross looking opening.

All my life I have been plagued with back issues.  Every time my back would ache or it would hurt for me to walk, my mom would tell me it was because of my birth defect.  And this is where the lie began without me even knowing it.  No fault of my mom.  She is a God-fearing, faith filled woman.  She just didn't understand the power of her words.

The pain in my back grew worse as time went on.  I would have falling spells where it felt as if I lost all feeling in my legs and I would collapse. Again, the "it's because of ..." would come up.  This went on and on.  I had difficulty standing for long periods of time, walking long distances, and sitting for extended periods of time.  The lie grew stronger.

In 2004, I sought medical treatment for a pinched nerve in my neck that was causing migraines.  When the doctor showed me the x-rays of my back, I knew that I was in trouble.  I was missing discs up and down my spine, there was degeneration of the vertebrae, and my spine looked as if someone had twisted it.  The bones looked weak and fragile. He told me that eventually I would lose the ability to walk.  So, the lie became a dark reality.   I never told anyone what the doctor said.  I didn't want to be seen as anything less than a faith-filled Christian.  I knew my mom would always tell me the story about being healed as an infant.  And yet, here I was looking at this horrible future of being wheelchair bound.  I was caught between divine healing and a lie that had become so real it was frightening.  I did my best to believe I was healed, but it never materialized.  I have seen many miracles in my lifetime, but I had not received the one that I so desperately needed.  I had prayed for others to be healed and watched as their healing manifested all the while feeling like a hypocrite because I didn't have my healing.  And the lie dug deeper and took root.  I believed the Word of God to be true, but somehow I just couldn't grab hold of it for my own personal miracle.  I couldn't seem to make it work for me.  I would quote the Word when I prayed, but nothing happened.  I struggled to believe.  I knew that God would heal me in His own time. I knew that when He did, He would get the glory.  I kept on saying, "one day, I will get my healing".

Over the years, my condition seemed to grow worse and worse.  I could feel grinding and grating in my back as I moved.  Every day that I could walk, I would praise God  There were days that I couldn't walk without excruciating pain. But I got up and moved anyway.  There were times that all I could do is lay in bed and cry because of the pain.  There were days that I would take pain killers and muscle relaxers just so I could get through the day.  The lie was branching out more and more as I struggled. And yet, I praised Him. Through the pain, through all the difficulty, I praised Him.

Then kids came along.  The doctors were amazed that I was able to bear the load of carrying babies with my back in the shape it was in. Because of my spinal condition, I had to have C-Sections.  No biggie. Yes, I felt like a failure as a mother for a bit anyway before I had to snap back to reality and take care of the babies. With the first child the epidural took. With the second one, not so much.  The anesthesiologist ripped the sack that holds my spinal fluid and  I had to have a procedure done called a "blood patch" to seal the hole.  PAINFUL!  But it was better than passing out every time I stood up.
Now, I had to get up and move no matter what.  I would push through it to take care of the little ones.

And my back worsened. My back issues became my crutch to blame for what I couldn't do.  I can't go there because of my back. I can't do that because of my back.  I would use that as my excuse to not be involved and not participate.  I had been prayed for numerous times. The lie became such a stronghold it was defeating my faith.  There were times I would stand in prayer lines to be prayed for and I would get passed over by the people doing the praying. I figured it wasn't my time to be healed yet or that God had decided not to heal me which was nothing more lies sprouting up.

The last time I received prayer for my back was during a home group meeting.  My back popped.  Part of me wanted to believe while the other part was saying that it was just a routine pop and nothing more.  I left it at that. I so desperately wanted to believe that I was healed.  The pain, grinding and grating continued.

Right before Thanksgiving of last year, I took a nice little tumble in the Kroger parking lot.  At the urging of the guy from Fire and Rescue that happened to see me fall and ran to my aid, I went to the ER.  I had deeply bruised my right knee and hip.  So I went home on some really great pain killers.  One week to the day of my fall, I bent over to pick up a toy and was stuck.  I couldn't come back up.  I had to walk my hands up the wall to straighten myself out.  I cried all the way back to the living room.  I looked rather mechanical in my movements.  I figured I had done damage to my back when I fell. My husband urged and begged me to go see a doctor about my back.  He found huge knots in my back as would massage my back. He would rub and massage my back while praying over my almost every night all the while begging me to go to the doctor.  I was bed-ridden for a few days and had to take everything slow.  I even gave up something that I really enjoyed, going to the gym every day.

At the beginning of this year, I prayed and asked God to reveal the areas in my life that I have been believing a lie.  I had no idea the repercussions of praying such a prayer.  It's like praying for patience and then face palm with a "DOH!" when you all the sudden have a load of tribulation.

I finally gave in to my husband's urgings and made an appointment to see a specialist.  My appointment was set for Monday, January 11th.  They x-rayed, scanned, poked and prodded my back.  The doctor sounded encouraging as she said that the initial look at the x-rays didn't show any degeneration.  Huh?  No degeneration?  Odd.  I had a follow-up appointment on Wednesday, January 13th.  She sat me down and put the x-rays up for me to see.  I had to ask her if she had the right x-rays.  She said there was no trace of the Spina Bifida at all.  All my discs were intact and healthy.  No bulged discs, no slipped discs, no missing discs. My spinal column looked strong and in near perfect alignment.  Creative miracle!  God restored my spine!  This is no other way to put than God rebuilt my spine.  I didn't know whether to faint, shout, cry, run around the building or what.  I sat there in awe, completely dumbfounded.  Speechless.

The Word says in Mark 11:24, "Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them."  This is hard to do when the symptoms haven't left.  When everything is telling you that you haven't received, how then are we to proceed?  It's hard to have faith when there is such a stronghold of doubt and unbelief.  Matthew 7:7-8 has the answer, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."  We have to fight for our faith.  Jude 1:3 tells us to "earnestly contend for the faith which was once delivered unto the saints". How do we contend for the faith?  Through prayer.  I never stopped praying or asking for prayer for my back.  I never stopped believing that one day, I would have my healing.  I had nothing else to go on.  The doctors said I would lose the ability to walk. I had all this negative information bombarding me telling me that there was no hope.  But even with the tiniest shred of hope, faith can grow.  I had a sliver of hope to believe that one day I would be healed.  I held on to that hope no matter how fleeting it seemed.

Some might ask, why do some receive such miraculous healing and some don't.  I have no clue.  I don't have all the answers.  All I can do is encourage you to hold on to hope with all you have.

Does my back still hurt? Yes, but now I don't let it define me or define what I can and can't do.  Am I undergoing therapy on my back? Yes. Why? To strengthen my back muscles and improve my posture.  I plan on being as strong as I can be.  That all starts with a strong foundation.  Our spines are the foundations of our bodies.  If our spines are jacked up, then we are jacked up.  It leads to all sorts of problems in different areas of our bodies.  The same is with our spiritual walk.  If our foundation is built on faith and hope through Christ Jesus, then our life will be strong through the storms.  If we build on a foundation of fractured faith mixed with lies and doubt, then our spiritual walk will be a faulty one plagued with all sorts of issues.

So be strong and stedfast in what you believe.  Let go of fear and spit out the lies the enemy has fed you.  If the Word says you can have it, then confess it, believe it, stand on it, and fight for it.

What Inspires You?

I was recently asked what inspires me.  It took me a bit to pinpoint the exact thing that has truly inspired me the most.  I create jewelry, but what inspires me to create it? Who or what gives me the idea that I can do this thing that I love so much to do?  Is it nature, literature, colors, other designers, architecture?

As I thought on this for a bit, I kept drawing a blank.  I thought about the styles of jewelry I make and where does that influence come from.  I couldn't put my finger on it.  I sat down the other day to work on a new creation and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  My inspiration comes from my dad!

Why my dad?  My dad, a Vietnam vet and cancer survivor with only an eighth grade education and Dyslexia, never knew what the word "can't" means.  He taught himself German when everyone said it would be impossible and that he wasn't smart enough to do it. He has a natural mechanical and engineering bend. He was able to study drafting and worked at Boeing in Seattle during the late 60s as a draftsman.  Can you imagine a person with only an eighth grade education doing that?!

My daddy.

He has always encouraged me to do whatever I put my mind to.  He has always told me, "If you can dream it, then you can do it".  He has always pushed me to do better, to be more creative, to think outside the box, to always try again if something didn't work the first time.  My creative passion comes from his gentle reminder that no matter what, he would always have my back.

His love and encouragement comes from a place deep rooted inside of him from our Heavenly Father.  His love for God has been in inspiration to me as well.  He has quiet in his passion for God, but you can tell my dad puts Him first in all he attempts to do.  Back in his Navy days, he was one of the few guys who would stay on the ship and read his Bible instead of partying with the rest of the crew.  After meeting up with one of his old shipmates, his fellow sailor told him that there was someone that had been wanting to find and talk to my dad. His friend placed a call.  That call was to my dad's former captain from the U.S.S. Whetstone. His former captain revealed to my dad he had became a Christian because of my dad's actions and living witness to Christ while aboard the ship. There are other shipmates that have confessed the same thing.  The life my dad lived in front of others left a mark on his captain and shipmates.

My dad knows how to live out of the Gospel of Christ.  He once told me that he had tried his best to model his life around the Beatitudes.  I can say honestly that his life truly reflects those words.  He is one of the most humble men I know and honest to a fault.  His life is an inspiration to me.  Can you guess that I'm a "daddy's girl"?  Yeah, I'm kinda partial to him.

I watch him with my boys and see how he teaches them and shows them things.  He is instilling in them that same passion for learning and figuring things out that he instilled into me and my brother. He has a passion for learning and history that most people stand in awe of.

When I look at my dad, I see a man who never stopped when people told him he wasn't smart enough or good enough.  He proved them all wrong with his "can do" attitude and pioneer spirit. He has endured so much hardship in his life, but has overcome it all.  He fought on when others would have given up.  He stood by my mom through her mental illness when most men would have walked out.  I believe it was his trust in God, prayers, and devotion to my mom that saw her through the worst time in her life.  He became a rock to her when she needed him most.

I know that I am able to push through creative blockages because I hear his voice in my ears encouraging me.  If I need someone to talk to, I call my dad.  If I am in need of a creative push, I talk to my dad.  I show him what I am working on, and he can usual work out how to make the design work when I can't see the forest for the trees.

His faith in me has carried me through some rough seas in life.  He always told me not to let any one tell me I couldn't do something because I was a girl. He taught me to do my best and to prove to myself that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".  My dad told me that I didn't have to prove to anyone else that I could do things s long as I could prove it to myself.

A Lesson In Faith As Taught By A Four Year Old

I have always tried my best to teach my children, even though they are still very young, the power of faith in God and prayer.  I never really know how much it sinks in after all they are 2 years old and 4 years old. My oldest, James, is very literal when it comes to what you tell him as well as very flamboyant.  This little jewel has all the makings of a powerful man of God.  There have been many times he has told me something that God told him.  It blows my mind that most adults can't even hear God and a four year old can already distinguish His voice.

On Sunday, my oldest had just entered the children's church room at our church and politely told his teacher that the devil was in the room and they needed to pray so he would leave.  Well, of course, the teacher did just as James asked.  His teacher told me that they had the best time in children's church after they all had prayed. But the story doesn't end there...

Tuesday, I woke up with a headache on the verge of being a migraine.  Every little noise was piercing to my head.  Well, James decides to start bouncing on the bed telling me to get up because it was "morning time".  I had to ask him to stop because it was really starting to make me nauseous. His little response was, "You no feel good?"  I told him my head was hurting and asked him to pray.  This was where it gets so sweet.  He comes over and put his hands on my belly and starting praying this little prayer, "God is our Healer. Jesus will heal you by 10 o'clock this morning.  Amen."

He then runs off to play.  I dragged myself out of bed and told my husband what James had said.  He was just as amazed as I was that this little child had faith enough in God to believe for a healing and even went as far as to be bold enough to put a time on it.  By 10 o'clock, I was completely pain and symptom FREE!

My child knew more about the power of faith that I could have ever imagined.  Somehow, all of those lessons and praying over him had sunk deep within his little spirit.  He embodied Hebrews 11:1 which states, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen". (KJV) He knows enough about God to know that he can have the things he prays for.  If we all could have such faith.  His substance of things hoped for was my healing, the evidence is what he had heard me teach him about God and Jesus.  Proverbs 22:6 states, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (KJV)

Hebrews 11:6 says, "But without faith it is impossible to please Him: for he that comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him."(KJV)

Hear the words of Jesus as stated in Mark 10:15, "Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive and accept and welcome the kingdom of God like a little child [does] positively shall not enter it at all." (AMP)

If only we would become as little children and believe God at His word, how much better would this world be.